I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
