You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
