Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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