i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
