My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
