Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
