is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
