That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
