Three words: puerto rican gang bang
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
