I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
