Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Randomize
