I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
