you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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