I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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