Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We had to coat check the pizza.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
