I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
