my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
