why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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