I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
