So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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