What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
