I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
