U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
