you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm at about main and main street
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
