I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
