Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
