Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
