Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
