I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
