I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
