Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i will never coherently bang her
should my penis look like a turkey
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
