He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
