When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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