I think im going to throw up on grandma
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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