the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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