I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
