your parents love me but you hate me
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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