I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
