I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm getting married
To pizza
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
