she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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