I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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