thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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