In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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