i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
