If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You don't make any sense
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