just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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