I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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