You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
