I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
