I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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