Will you blow on my dice?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
