Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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